Wisdom of Solomon eludes NBC

Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, “My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.

Conan O’Brien wrapped up his era on the Tonight Show last night. Most of us thought his run was too brief, but for NBC execs, it was far too long. If only the network brass had demonstrated the same level of commitment in 1993, when the unknown comedy writer took over Late Night under the first of a series of one-year contracts. Conan would still be relatively anonymous, the Simpsons would be a little edgier, and Jeff Zucker would have a bit more hair.

“During the night this woman’s son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my son—and he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn’t the son I had borne.”

Conan is gone now, and Jay Leno will soon be back. I’m not sure what Leno will say when he returns and I don’t much care. I won’t be watching.

The other woman said, “No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours.” But the first one insisted, “No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine.” And so they argued before the king.

I don’t usually write about TV. In fact, aside from maybe two or three shows at any given time, I don’t even watch much television. And I couldn’t care (much) less about this latest edition of the late night wars. Render unto NBC that which is NBC’s. But I did muster enough curiosity to watch Conan’s last show, and it wasn’t what I expected.

The king said, “This one says, ‘My son is alive and your son is dead,’ while that one says, ‘No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.’”

Winking sarcasm is the order of the day on late night TV. It has been for a long time, at least since Letterman. Probably longer. I don’t claim that to be a bad thing. After a long day oozing safe situation comedies and Jello commercials and overwrought dramas, TV and viewers deserve a chance to laugh at the world and themselves and whatever celeb has done something ridiculous that week. Everyone and everything is fair game.

Then the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: “Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.”

Given the plastic humility we’re used to seeing from public figures, one could expect (and forgive) a tearful farewell from O’Brien. He was, after all, giving up a job he had wanted all his life. What he said, was this:

“I have had more good fortune than anybody I know. And if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we will find a way to make it fun.”

He was wrestling with his emotions. You could tell. But he refused to break. He knew what he wanted to say and he got it out. He thanked his fans, many of whom have picked up his cause on the internet, many of whom camped out in the rain to be on hand for his last show.

“To all the people watching, I can never ever thank you enough for the kindness to me. I will think about it for the rest of my life, and all I ask is one thing, and I’m asking this particularly of young people that watch: please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it’s my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard, and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing things will happen.”

Conan turned to the band, fronted by Will Ferrell in an impossible beard. He gathered up a guitar and together, everyone jammed on Freebird. There was cowbell.

The woman whose son was alive was filled with compassion for her son and said to the king, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!” But the other said, “Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!”

O’Brien could have kept his job under a compromise deal that would have pushed the Tonight Show back half an hour to make room for an abbreviated Jay Leno Show. Conan thought the later start time would hurt the Tonight Show. He chose to walk away and give it back to Leno.

Then the king gave his ruling: “Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.”

The Tonight Show returns March 1. The wrong guy will be in the chair.